Thoughts following a difficult week

So today I'm back after a few shitey days away from social media 👋🏼 again. Just a quick post of some thoughts.
I often get the feeling people get sick of me harping on probably like a broken record about the same things. Someone said to me a little while ago ‘Facebook isn’t the place’ (to vent about personal things bla bla) but yes it totally is! And no time better than right now when we are essentially in a mental health crisis. We have Facebook to connect to other people and we add friends to be able to communicate with them. Yet I find I get the most support from complete strangers on twitter. 

People die because they hide how bad they feel! Then everyone’s so upset and jumps on the bandwagon for 2 minutes about speaking out *jazz hands* until they forget again until the next time. 

I realise the ones who deleted me can’t see this but like people deleted me for speaking out. I fucking screamed out and got such a negative response from so many people. Why? I was terrified and in so much pain i didn’t know what was going to happen to me. But y'know if anything being ignored and dismissed makes me wanna speak out more and do more about the ignorance 💁🏼‍♀️ can you tell I hate the term speaking out? (Still had very little help by the way and it’s been 4 months). 

At my lowest I thought things like "wow if I had died no one would even care or come to my funeral", then I thought "no, actually, they totally would and make out like they loved me soo much". Cause everyone wants to show how much they cared once someone dies and they feel that guilt. How about be good to people now and not remorseful when they’re gone? Humanity is outrageous. 

I don’t mean this to be insensitive in any way by the way. So many people are amazing and compassionate and lovely, and my experience seems to have brought all of those to the forefront which is a huge positive. It's just glaring me in the face how huge of a problem we have in our society, it's terrifying frankly.

Thanks for reading

Recent Thoughts

Depression is an evil force. It makes you believe your loved ones don’t care about you and everything would be better if you just disappeared. It hurts so much you want to just be gone. Not dead exactly, because death is terrifying too, but just not in pain either. 

I believe my boyfriend doesn’t care about me, I’m a burden and an annoyance. He doesn’t know how to make me happy. I’m sure he will break up with me soon and my self-loathing theories will be proven true. I’m too much, who would want me anyway. He could be with someone happy and much easier to be around. There are so many women out there he could be happy with. A breath of fresh air as opposed to my doom and gloom. 

I believe my parents are disappointed. We’ve been here so many times before. I’ll lose yet another job, we’ll worry even worse about money than usual, my life will be turned upside down again. They must think “why can’t our daughter be happy, be a confident adult and take control of her own life”

My friends get sick of hearing it all over again. I don’t have any ‘actual’ problems, I’m just always struggling with one thing or another. Again, annoying, burden. 

The depression is at the root of the problem, but all of these thoughts manifest from it to create a vicious damaging cycle. I never even know why or when it will start again or where it will end. 

This year has been a rollercoaster for me. Moving out of my childhood home after a series of horrible events to do with my dad’s mental health problems, getting a new job, ending up in an abusive relationship, losing my job, ending the relationship. Then beginning to heal, getting another new job, meeting someone new. As soon as things look as they’re going in the right direction, I’m slowly heading down that slope to severe depression. 
Maybe I haven’t healed from the past relationship, maybe the pressure of a full time job and new relationship has started it all rolling, maybe it’s the winter time, or a concoction of it all. My usual state of being generally anxious to fully breaking down and heading for rock bottom is a scary shock, and I really don’t know what will pull me back up. I just really can’t let it take everything away this time.