Recent Thoughts

Depression is an evil force. It makes you believe your loved ones don’t care about you and everything would be better if you just disappeared. It hurts so much you want to just be gone. Not dead exactly, because death is terrifying too, but just not in pain either. 

I believe my boyfriend doesn’t care about me, I’m a burden and an annoyance. He doesn’t know how to make me happy. I’m sure he will break up with me soon and my self-loathing theories will be proven true. I’m too much, who would want me anyway. He could be with someone happy and much easier to be around. There are so many women out there he could be happy with. A breath of fresh air as opposed to my doom and gloom. 

I believe my parents are disappointed. We’ve been here so many times before. I’ll lose yet another job, we’ll worry even worse about money than usual, my life will be turned upside down again. They must think “why can’t our daughter be happy, be a confident adult and take control of her own life”

My friends get sick of hearing it all over again. I don’t have any ‘actual’ problems, I’m just always struggling with one thing or another. Again, annoying, burden. 

The depression is at the root of the problem, but all of these thoughts manifest from it to create a vicious damaging cycle. I never even know why or when it will start again or where it will end. 

This year has been a rollercoaster for me. Moving out of my childhood home after a series of horrible events to do with my dad’s mental health problems, getting a new job, ending up in an abusive relationship, losing my job, ending the relationship. Then beginning to heal, getting another new job, meeting someone new. As soon as things look as they’re going in the right direction, I’m slowly heading down that slope to severe depression. 
Maybe I haven’t healed from the past relationship, maybe the pressure of a full time job and new relationship has started it all rolling, maybe it’s the winter time, or a concoction of it all. My usual state of being generally anxious to fully breaking down and heading for rock bottom is a scary shock, and I really don’t know what will pull me back up. I just really can’t let it take everything away this time. 

Updated Visual CV

Embarking on a new Textiles course!

So having finished my BA Hons Creative Enterprise course recently, I've been at a bit of a loose end about what to do next. I've been out of work for over a year now to focus on my studies which were a long hard struggle, and I've finally found myself at the end of all that, taking a deep breath and wondering where to go.

I've always been inspired by entrepreneurs, in particular designers who make their own fashion brands and have their own businesses. They get to utilise their own ideas and have their own creative freedom while being their own boss and really controlling your own lifestyle. Everything about this appeals to me entirely, but having done courses on visual merchandising / branding / range planning etc, I've never learned how to actually make garments myself.

SO, a couple of weeks ago I spotted an advert on Facebook for a free fashion and textiles course at City of Sunderland College. After reading the description HERE I decided I 100% need to get myself enrolled on this right now! I called them up and got enrolled immediately, and started last Monday, the 10th July :)

My tutor's name is Rory Fletcher. Rory is agency staff and came into the Bede campus of Sunderland College to take the class. She has her own business and has provided me with so much valuable advice and information during my time working with her.

I've spent the week working towards making a skirt, which has been fitted on me and so I should be able to wear it! I can't wait for this! I learned how to set up the sewing machine, I practised different seams and stitches, then with Rory's tuition I made the toile for my skirt, which turned out fantastic.
I then went to Dainty Supplies, a craft supply store in Washington, and picked up my choice of fabric and a zip for my final piece.

Unfortunately, due to my anxiety being through the roof last week, I missed a day and am having to do more work a couple of days this week. BUT Rory is so generously giving me her time, to make sure I finish and get my Level 1 qualification. Surprisingly I have taken to the process of making pretty well, and I fully plan on continuing to Level 2 on a night class in the future!

Once my skirt is complete I'll post again and hopefully be able to wear the skirt for some pictures if it fits, fingers crossed.

Skirt (Front)

Skirt (Back)

A weekend of BBQ and Blink 182

A couple of weekends ago, the weather was absolutely glorious, and my beautiful friend Lucy invited me to a BBQ hosted by her also very beautiful friend Sian. We had the best afternoon sat on the grass in the blazing sunshine, drinking cider and eating an insanely good vegan spread. 

I also got to wear my new floral wrap dress from Topshop that I'm obsessed with.

Later on after a few too many drinks we of course ended up in Rise until the early hours of the morning. I do love me a rock night, adding a million snapchats to my story of myself spinning around singing along to all the songs... I won't include those!

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So, Sunday the 11th July was a date I'd been looking forward to for sooo long, since November in fact when I bought tickets to see Blink 182 at the Metroradio Arena Newcastle. Then, a few months ago it was announced that my bae Frank Turner would be supporting! Heart eye emoji. 

Obviously I was very hungover in the morning, but after napping away the afternoon I was ready for the gig and head off to Newcastle with my friend Lauren. Frank Turner did not disappoint, forever the amazing showman, chatting with the crowd every so often between songs. 

And then, Blink 182... without Tom Delonge and only a 1 hour 15 minute set. I can't say I wasn't disappointed by the short set, because I was. We stood there a while after they'd left the stage, waiting for the last 45 minutes of the show which never came! £50 tickets guys!

Having seen Blink lots of times at several Leeds Festivals, in Manchester and in Newcastle a couple of times before, I'm still glad I went this time, but nothing beats the old line-up and the old days in general! I am old. 

I enjoyed the amount of classic songs they played as opposed to their more recent stuff, of which I only know maybe three songs. Nevertheless we jumped about like idiots and loved every minute.

Minga London

I was recently introduced to Minga London by my friend Alex, who recommended their insane unitards for this rolla disco we were going to. I'm so glad she told me about them because I ended up buying their avocado print unitard and it's now my favourite thing I own! (It went down really well at the rolla disco by the way. Best time EVER.)

Since then they have launched some amazing swimwear and festival pieces, which I am obsessed with and obviously now want all of them. These are some of my favourites.

Minga London by lauraolivialoves on Polyvore

From the left moving clockwise:

Candy Stripes Bikini Set £35.00
Rainbow Stripes High Leg Swimsuit £26.00
Tiger Brown Tie Wrap Crop Top £24.90
Leopard Pink Unitard £20.90
Zebra Rainbow High Leg Swimsuit £26.00
Pink Leopard Tie Wrap Crop Top £24.90

One thing I love about the swim range is the matching chokers that come with the sets. I'd love to be wearing the zebra rainbow swimsuit with some little 80s shorts for the next rolla disco. I'd also love to style the leopard print tie front top with a little skirt and my big chunky vagabond boots for a night out. DREAMY.

Also, if you're interested in the rolla disco, it's at the Boiler Shop in Newcastle every so often. Their Facebook page is HERE so you can watch out for their next event!

Day Date at Alnwick Gardens

Yesterday my beautiful bestie Kate and I went on a little road trip up to Alnwick Gardens. It only took an hour or so from where we live in the North East and still felt like a nice little break away for the day.

The weather was beautiful and we really enjoyed having a look around at the beautiful gardens full to the brim with gorgeous flowers in bloom.
I'm not sure if it is permitted! but we took our own food along and had a little picnic on the grass with some ciders in the sunshine, which was probably my favourite part. I also loved the different fountains, and the area on a hill full of cute wooden swings. Definitely a perfect day date location, and if you fancy a nice meal head to the Treehouse Restaurant which is the cutest place ever. In fact, just go there for a look around, grab a coffee from the cafe and explore across the rickety bridges.

As I'm a student I paid concession price which was £9.93 including a donation to Gift Aid which I think is great for a day out.

We also visited Alnwick Castle but sadly didn't go in as we're poor peasant souls. Another time ey!

I'd highly recommend heading up to Alnwick for a day out that's not too much of a trek from the Newcastle area. For more information head to alnwickgarden.com :)