Recently I've been dealing with a lot, in all aspects of my life, and I've made a few big changes.
Firstly, and most recently, I've left my job at Topshop due to my social anxiety and feeling so depressed. I worked there for 2 years and 9 months - the longest I've ever managed to hold down a job - and I really struggled to keep going the past few months. It's so hard to force yourself to work in a busy, image-conscious environment dealing with customers when you feel so ugly and unfashionable and you feel your heart race in panic every time someone speaks to you. It got to the point that I'd cry before shifts, get really hot and panicked and sometimes shaky. I'd have to force myself to drive into the car park and not turn around and drive back home, where I'd be able to dive back into bed and hide under my duvet forever.
I went to the doctor and got a sick note for a couple of weeks off work which instantly made me feel a bit better. I spent my time trying to make sure I still got out of the house every day, even if just for a walk to get a coffee with my boyfriend. A lot of the time I'd only be out a short while and feel overwhelmed and need to go back home, where I'd feel mentally and physically exhausted and have a nap. I always worry about what other people think of me and I'd be always thinking something bad will happen to me. If I go out in the car and I get into a difficult situation and someone honks their horn at me I could burst into tears and need to pull over. This isn't how everyone else feels surely, this isn't normal life for everyone else, it's not fair.
After those two weeks off, I still couldn't bear the thought of returning to work so I got another one week sick note. That week flew by and I agreed my return shifts. I managed three, 4 hour shifts and I couldn't do it any more. Something in my head had left my job behind in my time off and I couldn't see myself facing everything again. Speaking to strangers all day, having a queue of people looking at me at the till point, not knowing if a difficult situation might come about where I might make a bad decision and mess everything up for someone.
I've had a lot of jobs in my life, I'm now 27 years old and I decided that the best thing to do in this situation was to leave my job. To other people this might seem like a stupid decision, and yes I am sad to have left because that job was a huge part of my life. I made a lot of friends there and before my mental illness reared it's ugly head again, I felt comfortable there, to a degree. But when I feel so bad that I feel intense dread and panic over a 4 hour shift, it's not worth putting myself through that a few times a week.
Luckily I am still at university, if only for a couple more months, and I can concentrate on completing the last of my work in my free time. I'm not sure what's to come in the near future but I've learned that looking after yourself is number 1, and I'm sure once I feel better again in time I'll get myself a new job and start building myself up again.
If anyone else is feeling a similar way, make sure you let people know how you feel. I've spoken to friends, my parents, my boyfriend and even had meetings with my managers to put support in place. Sadly I still felt I had to leave, but everyone around me has been so supportive, so I feel cared about rather than a failure. Mental illness is no-one's fault and no-one should blame you if you're struggling at some points in your life.
Leave me a comment if you're reading this and relate or need some support. I've decided to give some depth to my blog posts as a way of expressing how I'm feeling as well as hopefully helping others. I'm looking forward to making more posts like this and I'd love some feedback! Thanks xoxo
